One sentence; two meanings

I write this post in an attempt to illustrate depression. This is just one example of how someone with depression might look at things differently than others. I say "might" for two reasons: one, I am not every depression sufferer, and don't pretend to know what we all feel like or that we are all the same. Two, being someone with depression, I don't have personal experience being a non-sufferer, though on good days, properly medicated days, I think I come closer to thinking normally.

Today, I turn 30. Many people approach this birthday with trepidation and the thought, "Man, 30. I've lived a third of my life."* This was my thought several days ago. The normal person might be a little down on themselves, wanting to have achieved more by this point in their lives - at least have an idea of what they want to do with their lives. Perhaps this person is anxious that there's only so much time left to buy a house, have kids, buy a bigger house to house those kids, save money for college for the kids, get the kids out of the house, achieve some professional goal, and save money to retire. Unless you're one of those blessed few who knows what they want to do, earned their millions, and bought their island by now, in which case, fuck you, collar-popping turdburger I am so happy for you.

For me on that day, a day which had been preceded by about two weeks of not taking meds, the idea that a third of my life was over was relieving. Very much the same way it's relieving when you are exercising and not digging it and you look at the clock and say, okay I only need to do what I've just done two more times. Depression makes life feel like an unpleasant workout: it's exhausting, headache-inducing, and you just want to get it over with already. So on that day, and to a lesser degree today, I'm pretty at peace with getting older. Weird that depression is helping me cope with what can be a stressful time.

*Some people call everything between 20 and 35 the quarter-life crisis, but let's be honest: do we really expect to live past about 95? The quarter-life crisis ends by 24, though the crisis feeling may continue for many years.